Online Separation, Divorce, & Family Law Resources

Photo used under Creative Commons from davidrossharris

 by Nigel Lawson


If you are at the beginning stages of filing for legal separation or divorce, you may have many questions about the divorce process, child support, and custody issues.  Luckily, The Divorce Dudes Club has developed a new blog page providing online Separation, Divorce, & Family Law resources to assist you.  This important online resource is listed by state and links you to official state and county court resources, state bar association sites, and state and county self-help center websites to help answer your questions. 


To access these resources, simply click the button at the top of the blog entitled "Separation, Divorce, & Family Law Resources."  We, at The Divorce Dudes Club strive to ease the stress of separation and divorce on all members of your family.  We hope you find our resource links useful.

Fighting Loneliness with Sushi?

 Photo used under Creative Commons from avlxyz

by Nigel Lawson

I've read all the articles and blogs dealing with loneliness after divorce. I'm up to my neck in self help books, actually reading some for the second time. I have friends I go out with on a regular basis.  I have plenty of hobbies, so I don't really need a new one. I stay busy with work and community organizations. So, why am I still dealing with loneliness 4 years after my divorce?

Lately it's become a chore to even  leave my apartment.  I literally have to scold myself,  "Hey, get off the couch, go somewhere, and do something!"  I'm simply going through the motions of life, and that's not living at all.  Many people get caught up in the notion that loneliness is a disease of the mind.  Science tells us otherwise.  We know physiology plays an important role in mental health.  It affects the mind and vice versa.

My severe loneliness drove me to do a little research on the affects of a healthy diet and exercise routine on loneliness.  As a result, I've come up with one of those annoying, but sometimes helpful, blog list of  ways to combat loneliness through diet and exercise.  Here it goes:

Sushi Anyone!
When we talk about loneliness, we might want to include depression which often accompanies it.  The cycle of loneliness and depression can be debilitating. "I'm feeling lonely, and now, I'm depressed.  I'm depressed and don't want to be around anyone, so I'm lonely again!"  We all know by now that eating foods high in Omega-3 fatty acids such as salmon, mackerel, and herring raise serotonin levels in the brain and reduce depression. These deep-water fish are staples at Sushi Bars.  I recommend setting up a sushi night with a group a friends.  It's a great way to stimulate your brain with good company, good conversations, and Omega- fatty acids!


Cut the Coke and Cut the Coffee !
High amounts of stimulates can throw off your brain chemistry. I thought drinking an extra cup of coffee could lift my spirits.  Caffeine and sugar may only provide a temporary lift of energy and mood.  In the long run, it may cause insomnia, irritability, and more depression!  Hang out at a juice bar instead of a coffee shop.  You'll still be surrounded by people, but without the caffeine.

Getting Back to Nature!
A great way to fight loneliness and depression is with exercise.  Group nature hikes are a three-fold remedy.  First, exercise produces that "runner's high" through the production of endorphins.  Secondly, hiking in a group fosters the opportunity to interact and meet new people.  Finally, studies have shown nature having a positive effect on the brain, reducing stress levels.

I plan on trying these suggestions out this week.  I'm hopeful, so wish me luck.  If any of you have tried these remedies for loneliness and depression or plan to try them out in the next couple of weeks, share your comments below.

10 Festive Drinks For You & Yours This Holiday Season

Photo used under Creative Commons from izik

By Nigel Lawson

Well, my last blog was all about holiday treats and bonding with the kids.  This post is strictly for adults only.  Okay, at least the first part is.  I never like to leave the kiddies out, so I have something special for them too.

Is your Ex acting like a jerk right before the holidays?  Are the kids driving you up the wall? Will you be able to get your family members exactly what they want this holiday season?  Well, you can forget about all that for now.  If the "Seasonal  Insanity" seems a bit overwhelming, take a Jingle Bell Break and sample one of these festive holiday libations (provided by Whattodrink.Com).  These are just a few of the Holiday Cocktails listed on their website. 

And, don’t worry.  If you’re not big on alcohol, I have a special list of fun non-alcoholic drinks you and the kids can share during the holidays (provided by Family.Com).

For Adults Only (Alcoholic Drinks)  

1.  St. Nick’s Naughty or Nice Punch
2. Sassy Little Elf
3. Candy Cane Swirl
4. Homemade Eggnog
5. New Year's Sparkler
6. Midnight Kick

For Kids & Adults (Non-Alcoholic Drinks)

     7. White Christmas Hot Chocolate
     8. Quick Party Eggnog
     9. Cranberry-Apple Wassail
   10. Cold Chocolate Peppermint

Whether sampling one of the potent potables, or imbibing one of the calorie crammed kids’ drinks, moderation is always key.  Never drink and drive, or have a cup White Christmas Hot Chocolate and fall asleep on the couch.  Both are hazardous to your health.  Stay safe, and have a joyous holiday season. 

Best Wishes,

The Divorced Dudes Club

P.S.  Hug your children, and tell them you love them.

Divorce and the Holidays: Remember STRESSED Spelled Backwards Is DESSERTS!

Photo used with permission from Dailyville

by Nigel Lawson

The holidays can be a difficult time of  year, especially for single moms and dads. Stress over shared custody scheduling can overwhelm parents, turning joyous occasions into holiday nightmares.  Don't let this derail what is important --the quality time you spend with your children.  Yes, quality over quantity is always best when it comes to shared custody, so I want to provide parents with a holiday activity guaranteed for fun. 

Veteran's Day: Supporting Our Separated & Divorced Veterans

Photo used under Creative Commons from US Army Africa

 by Nigel Lawson

With the end of the war in Iraq and return of 40,000 troops by the holidays, this Veteran's Day is one to be thankful for.  When we honor our troops this year, it's not only important to remember those who sacrificed their lives for our country, but  it's equally important to support returning soldiers who may still face obstacles here at home. 

Aside from the physical injury, post-tramatic stress disorder, government red tape over disability benefits, and simply assimilating back into civilian life, many returning veterans must also deal with the challenges of divorce.  According to Pentagon statistics, since the start of Operation Enduring Freedom in 2001, the divorce rate among military personnel has increased from  2.6 percent to 3.6 percent in 2010.  The Pentagon also reported 9% of enlisted women had their marriage end in divorce - about three times that of enlisted men at just over 3%.

Halloween Horror Break Up Stories! Beware of Ghoulish Girlfriends!

 

Photo used under Creative Commons from Sara G...'s

by Nigel Lawson

We've all been through it - The Break Up From Hell!  A torturous time betrayal pierces your heart, nausea writhes in your stomach, and loneliness flattens your soul, leaving you unwilling to trust another human being on the face of Earth.

The following is a horrific break up story I ran across on bounceback.com that simply made my skin crawl.  The author granted me permission to reprint this in hopes other divorced dudes and dudettes would benefit from his own tale of terror.

by Mr. D

I'd found the love of my life - I'm 49, she's 44 - After two divorces, she was refreshing - an intellectual geek like me, but funny, oh-so-sexy, smart, gorgeous body, everything a guy could want. All was going well for a year or so; we both had more fun and experienced more closeness than we'd felt in previous relationships.

Then, in July of this year, she joined a softball team at work. The first few weeks were fine - I had stuff to do on the nights she played, all was good. But then I became aware of a slight distancing.  The spontaneous 'I love you' texts stopped; she became irritated with me at the slightest thing. Instead of giving her space however, I emotionally panicked, thinking I was losing her, and became clingy and needy.

Divorce and Halloween: It Doesn't Need To Be Scary

Photo used under Creative Commons from wwarby

by Nigel Lawson

With Halloween just around the corner, fighting your way through department store crowds in search of the perfect costumes for the kids and bags of Hersey's Miniatures might not be the only thing your dreading this Fall. Dealing with an ex-spouse might be just as scary, especially if this is your first Halloween after divorce.

Well, no fear! Here are some tips to tame any ghoulish ex-spouse on All Hallows Eve.

1. Involve your kids.  Before making any plans, talk to your children.  Ask them what they would like to do for Halloween.  At this point you can ask if your ex-spouse has made any Halloween plans with your children.  It would be horrific if you made extensive plans and then found out your spouse has already promised to take your children to the neighborhood haunted block party.

Divorce May Lead to Baldness in Women

Photo used under Creative Commons from romytetue 

By Nigel Lawson 

Two studies released yesterday reveal stress from divorce may lead to baldness in women.  The studies, conducted at Case Western Reserve University, examined 66 male and 84 female pairs of identical twins with similar hairlines.  Dr. Bahman Guyuron, head of the study, found that high stress situations such as divorce, death of a spouse, caring for many children, and high blood pressure may be the link to hair loss in women.  

Find out more about the results of this study on men and women in "The Stress of Divorce, Writ on Women's Heads," at Time.Com, and post your comments.

Secrets Your Wife May be Keeping!

Photo used under Creative Commons from carl clasio

by Nigel Lawson

If you think all is going well in your marriage, beware!  A new book by Iris Krasnow reveals some interesting insights into what secrets wives may be keeping from their spouse.  The book, The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes To Stay Married, scheduled for release in October, is based on interviews of 200 women reflecting on the institution of marriage (pun definitely intended)! 

Her article, The Fine Line Between Marriage and Divorce, in the Huffington Post, includes some pretty racy marital secrets involving gardeners, farm animals, and swingers. Read the article for yourself, and post your comments below.

Pat Robertson Forgets " 'Til Death Do Us Part." It Must Be Early Signs Of Alzheimer's

Photo used under Creative Commons from Digital Shotgun

By Nigel Lawson

Well, Pat Robertson once again stuns the nation by announcing on his 700 Club that Alzheimer's disease is a valid reason for divorce.  This past Tuesday, a gentleman phoned in to relate his concern about a friend whose wife was in the later stages of Alzheimer's.  The caller stated his friend was, "bitter at God for allowing his wife to be in that condition, and now he's started seeing another woman." 

Beware Men Over 30! Divorce May Cause You to Gain Weight!

                                           Photo used under Creative Commons from Mangus D.

By Nigel Lawson


Divorced dudes, beware! Put down the hot dog, chips, and beer! A new study from Ohio State University suggests a link between divorce and weight gain for men over thirty. Read more about it, and share your thoughts and comments. The Telegraph, "Women Gain Weight After Marriage, Men After Divorce".

And, yes, that is a metric scale. Just multiply 82.7 by 2.2 (lb) = That’s about 182 lbs!

Getting Married Might Be The Way To A Longer Life

                                            Photo used under Creative Commons by alancleaver_2000

By Nigel Lawson

I remember being single, young, and vivacious, believing I would never get married, live forever, and party until I died.  Well, that was twenty or so years ago.  Nowadays, I can’t finish a half a can of beer without falling asleep.  Good thing I quit partying years ago because a recent study by Researchers from the University of Louisville in Kentucky showed that single men tend to die sooner than married men. 

Read the article for yourself, and share your thoughts and comments. Being Single Could Mean An Earlier Death: Study

Child Custody 101: 10 Ways to Survive a Child Custody Case

By Nigel Lawson

In layman’s terms, child custody is defined as

"The legal authority to make decisions affecting a child's interests (legal custody) and the responsibility of taking care of the child (physical custody). When parents separate or divorce, they may share legal and physical custody, or one parent may have physical custody with the other parent having visitation."
                                                                    -- Nolo’s Plain-English Law Dictionary

Understanding the legalese involved in a child custody case is vital to both parties involved. Often times, what one parent believes to be in the best interest of their children, is contrary to what the other parent believes. In this regard, knowing the legal terms is only half the battle. Parents should know what to expect when entering such a case. In 10 Ways to Survive a Child Custody Case, Henry Gornbein reveals useful steps to avoid a drawn out, custody trial. Read his article, and share your thoughts and comments with us.

Love After Divorce: How Soon Is Too Soon?

By Nigel Lawson

The first lesson History 101 teaches us is history definitely repeats itself.  After a break up, some of us may be prone to getting back in the saddle too soon after the fall, and to make things worse, we get back on the wrong horse.  The fact is, we’re to blame for our repeated hardship.  Fortunately, we also have the power to stop this cycle.  Here are a few things to consider before hopping on that next horse.

Men & Divorce: Breaking the Stereotypes & Learning to Sympathize

By Nigel Lawson

When any marriage ends in divorce, our sympathy immediately extends to the ex-wife and children.  How will she cope emotionally and financially?  How will she handle being a single mom?  How will the children react?  All marriages are different, as are all divorces.  So why are we more likely to consider the well being of women and children of divorce rather than men?

Does it lead back to archaic stereotypes such as men are physically and emotionally stronger than women, so they need far less support?  Could it be many of us assume the majority of divorces result from infidelity on the part of men, thus husbands are not entitled to our sympathy? We see this played out in the media numerous times.  High-profile, celebrity couples announce their divorce, and our reaction is usually, "He probably cheated on her." 

Theses statements are not to take away from the psychological turmoil divorce has on families in general.  These words and this video shed light on many of the challenges we often forget affect divorced men.

After watching the video, share your comments and some of the ways you coped with the challenges of divorce.

Infidelity: It's Not Rocket Science!

Scientists, Robin Milhausen and Kristen Mark at the University of Guelph and Erick Janssen from The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction at Indiana University, studied the link between gender, our "sexual personality", and our probability of cheating. Having studied over 900 men and women, their report concluded pretty much what we've learned from every daytime soap opera and nightly telenovela: Men cheat when they can't control they're urges, and women cheat when they're sexually unsatisfied.

Read more about their study at huffingtonpost.com and comment on my blog.   Infidelity Linked To 'Sexual Personality': University of Guelph Study

Shining the Light on Children of Divorce

By Nigel Lawson

After deciding on divorce, it becomes even more complicated when you have to tell your children.  It’s no secret that divorce can adversely affect a child's emotional and social development.  Confusion, uncertainty, anger, and hopelessness are common feelings children experience under the stress of divorce.  This can lead to aggressive behavior, distrust, withdrawal, and even depression.   As parents, there are some important things you can do to ease your children’s pain and help them through this difficult transition.  

To Mend or Not to Mend? That is the Question!



By Nigel Lawson

The other day I called up an old musician friend of mine I hadn’t seen in about five years.  He asked how I was doing and how my wife was doing.  When I told him I was divorced,  he sounded shocked and equally embarrassed.  I reassured him I was doing fine, and the break up was really the best thing for both of us.

He inquired more about what led to our break up and what measures we took to try to salvage our marriage.  After answering his questions, he admitted the reason for his interest in my situation was that he himself was contemplating divorce. 

You Can't Rebound if You're Not in the Game

By Nigel Lawson

So, you think you’re ready to start dating after a divorce?  Well if so, you’re not alone.  According to a 2007 Census Bureau report, of the divorced people in the U.S. aged 25 and over, 55% of men and 44% of women remarried. The truth is, people have not given up on love and finding their soul mate even after divorce.

Welcome to...

 





By Nigel Lawson

To those visiting my blog for the first time, I welcome you.  I formed this blog page along with the members of our cover band of the same name, The DDC for short.  The three founding members are either divorced or separated and in the process of divorce.  The fourth member is currently in a long term relationship, but plays killer blues guitar, so we decided to let him stay in the band. 

I would say our band formed out of the necessity to find a positive outlet for the financial, mental, and emotional stress brought on by divorce.  We discovered that music, and the joy it brought our audiences, was our best therapy.  We spent countless hours rehearsing and discussing our problems.  Ultimately, our discussions led to solutions which provided us the tools to deal with the unique challenges men of divorce face.